My Husband Don's Poem of Doubt & Hope

My husband and I had some time off last week and it felt so good because our hearts have been very heavy lately.  It just seems like the big, ugly wrecking ball of cancer is just randomly hitting so many people we care about.  Healthy, life loving people, even a young mother of 9.  And lately the news is filled with such darkness.  Such disturbing, troubling stories that hit close to home.

When I am feeling troubled I pray and run and I am given answers and comfort.  My husband, a musician,who enjoys writing lyrics and poetry,expressed his feelings of doubt and frustration in a poem. An exercise he described as very therapeutic.

When he read it to me I cried my eyes out (of course) but it felt so good just to cry together for the pain of others that we can do nothing for but pray.

I asked him if I could share it because it gave me so much comfort and maybe it will do the same for someone else.  It took awhile but he said OK...so here it is.

If This House Comes Crashing In - By Don Andringa

My Faith rests on a foundation that has seen it's share of storms.
And the cracks there may be many but it's retained a solid form.

But now I fear it’s crumbling, I hear the water seeping in,
And that potent smell of poisonous doubt fills my house again.

Taking refuge in a corner, I pull my knees up to my chin,

For I fear I’ll have no place to go…
If this house comes crashing in.

Close my eyes and try to disappear, I can’t bear to watch it fall.
I fear the barren wilderness beyond these trembling walls.

Where is your Love?
Where is your Mercy?
Do you not hear our plea?
Your silence is louder than the storm, that threatens the soul in me.

Am I destine to wander without the guidance of my faithful friend?

For I fear I’ll have no place to go…
If this house comes crashing in.

Restore in me that child, restore that trustful bliss.
Hold me tight…..
No tighter still !
Till I relax my tight clenched fist.

And then,
I will choose to stand my ground on what I cannot see.
I will look into the eyes of death and confess what I believe.

That this night will pass,
The dawn will come,
And the sun will shine again…

And you will lift me from the rubble,
If this house comes crashing in.

So Excited and Honoured to be a Guest Blogger on Tosca Reno's Website

http://www.toscareno.com/2013/05/21/turning-50-means-go-for-it/

The Labour of a Marathon

Last week I ran the Toronto Goodlife Marathon and got a WTE.  That's my new acronym,  it means "Worst Time Ever".  I don't know why this happened but I know I don't want it to happen again.  I bonked at the half way point and totally shut down mentally.  I came close to giving up and just sitting on the curb and crying.

My husband Don was riding his bike along the route and came along side me just when I started feeling defeated.  Having someone ride their bike along side me, I discovered is not quite as exciting as your family cheering and holding signs for you.  I desperately needed some motivation so I told him to cheer for me cuz I was bonking and needed some encouragement.  He said in a forced enthusiastic voice " Go Cyndie Go. You can do it ".  It was like when you're in labour and your husband is trying to encourage you but it just annoys the heck out of you!  Is that the best you can do?? Can't you see I'm in pain here??

I told myself, you can do this.  Don't give up.  You've given birth this should be a piece of cake.  So I tried going into a Lamaze trance. In Lamaze you are trained to ignore pain and stare at an object and just concentrate on your breathing.  So I did just that and starred at the ground with my arm swinging back and forth like a pendulum to help me concentrate. I just ran like a machine, starring at the ground in a trance.  I must have looked crazy but it kept me going for the next 10 K and at that point I really didn't care what I looked like.

The last 10K I had to take a lot of walk breaks and I was sooo thirsty.  I think I scared the water volunteers when I would grab 2 waters at a time and then snatch 2 more Gatorades.   I couldn't understand why I felt this bad.  Maybe it was because it was my first long run in the heat.  Maybe it was because I trained alone and not with a group this time.  Maybe it was because I didn't do speed work or train hard enough.  Maybe because I had PMS.  Maybe because a friend of mine had said to me the day before that sometimes you can just have a bad race, maybe she jinxed me!  Maybe because my family wasn't there and my husband sucks at cheering!  I don't know!

But what I do know is that I fought through the pain and fatigue even though I wanted to quit.  I moaned and groaned and looked like a total mess through the whole thing but it was worth it because at the end of it.....I got a beautiful 2 lb medal and was smiling my face off.  When I look back on the race now and at the pictures all I think about are the good things.  Like how Don was with me the whole way and was proud of me even though I was really grumpy to him and how we worked together as a team.

I remember after my first child was born I thought to myself...... yeah, one is good.  There's no way I'm ever going through this again!  That's exactly how I felt the last few kilometers. But now a week later as I started my day with a 10 k run, I thought to myself...it wasn't so bad.  It will be easier next time.... it was kind of amazing....it was so beautiful......I did awesome!
Somehow you forget all about the pain.  I have 4 children